My Lucky Cycling Jersey (and Other Lies)

Successfully wearing the
object of my affection.

It was, in my mind, a beautiful and distinctive jersey.  Blue and Orange, the colors of Boise State University’s athletic teams – most notably the football team, made famous by their “Smurf-turf” as some TV sportscasters would call it.  Yes, the football field’s turf is BLUE, as was the jersey I was trying on, with orange highlights accenting things perfectly.  Or so I thought.  My wife, stoker, Rear Admiral… call her what you will… one thing you can NOT call her is a fan of the color orange.  Not even when it’s used in conjunction with the color blue.  Or maybe that’s especially when used in the blue/orange combination.

She fought me when I was at the local Performance Cycles store and tried on the jersey.  It fit me with little room to spare, but it didfit.  And it would work perfectly with our trip that October to ride in the Florida Tandem Rally.  After all, they have a team in Gainesville that also uses the colors blue and orange (the Florida Gators), and from a distance people would at first think I was one of them.  Of course when I got close enough they’d realize that I was sporting a different, or in my mind, a superior version of the color combo.  But she wouldn’t let me buy the jersey, and there would be no battle of the blue and orange in Florida that year.

But I persisted over the months about wanting that jersey, and finally she gave in and said, “fine… get the damned thing.”  But the store was out of my size, and it was the end of the season, which meant they wouldn’t be getting anything in until the following year. 

Ah, but I knew how to search for buried treasure on the Internet and after a few clicks I found the very same jersey (in the elusive XXL size) and made the plunge.  In just a few days sheer cycle-fashion happiness would be mine!  All those months of whining and waiting were about to come to a victorious (and, oh… so glorious) end.

The parcel arrived and I excitedly opened it and lovingly slid the jersey out of its plastic wrap and unfolded it reverently.  It was the moment of truth, and I was about to put on that for which I had lobbied so fervently.  I slipped one arm through, and then the other, and finally my head.  Then I pulled the jersey down over my torso… ahem!  I said… I pulled the jersey DOWN over my torso…  damn it.  I was having some technical difficulties when it came to pulling the jersey down over my torso.  As a matter of fact, it fit like a friggin’ sausage casing and I looked utterly ridiculous!

I pulled it back off and was dismayed when I looked at the sizing information and it confirmed that this jersey was indeed a double XL.  How could this be?  The one I had tried on maybe 8 months to a year before was a good fit.  How could there be such a discrepancy between one jersey and another?  I was crestfallen.

The jersey was lovingly (albeit, sadly) folded back up and put back into its plastic wrap.  I couldn’t send it back, but I couldn’t wear it either.  Over the next couple of years I would try on these same jerseys at different stores to see if I could find one that was a better fit, but I never found one.  Obviously the jersey I had tried on that one time was THE fluke – the one that slipped by quality control – the one that I should have bought when I tried it. 

For the next two years I would occasionally get the jersey out of the bag and try it on, hoping against all odds that it might suddenly be the right size and fit like the one that I had tried on did.  No such luck.  It still fit like a sausage casing… and wasn’t wearable unless I really wanted people to point and laugh (yes, it was that bad).

At least I had my XXL Pearl Izumi jerseys that were a relaxed fit.  They were comfy and reliable, but over time even they were starting to wear and shrink a little bit from all the washings.  My wife argued that the fabrics they were made from don’t shrink.   But it was obvious that something was going on, because they didn’t have the loose comfy drape they once had.  Fortunately we would be heading to San Diego that summer to stay with a friend, and that meant a trip to the Pearl Izumi outlet store to pick up a few new jerseys.

The pickings were scarce, and the few XXL relaxed cut jerseys that the store had didn’t fit like they used to.  Seriously?  I know that things change, and sometimes companies sizing standards get tweaked, but you’d think that one of the premiere brands would try to stay a little more consistent.  At least we found a couple of jerseys that were so similar in color and design that you’d think we had a matching set.  Just a sidebar here:  why is it nearly impossible to find matching jerseys these days in both a man’s and woman’s cut?  Tandem riders love to “match” their gear, and unless you’re ordering custom jerseys through an event or buying a store’s (or team’s) kit… you’re usually out of luck.

Anyway… we returned home and I weeded out my jersey collection, getting rid of all the older jerseys I had that had been affected by age and laundering.  There were plenty of them that just didn’t fit right anymore.  I tried on my BSU jersey again; it was still a sausage casing.  I couldn’t return it, and couldn’t wear it.  Maybe I’d eventually gift it to a local fan of the university.  Or maybe I could find someone who could alter it along the side panels just enough to make it wearable!

I started surfing websites that specialized in “Clydesdale” sizing, looking for jerseys in 3X (or larger) sizes.  I didn’t need to order anything yet… but I might as well figure out what was available before I was truly in need.  One such company that I thought might hold promise was “Fat Lad at theBack”.    If you can laugh about it… you can wear it!  But then, I never had to order from them.

I was delivering mail one day, eating my usual afternoon “snack”, which included a large bag of Peanut M&M’s, a medium sized bag of Fritos and a 32 ounce cup of Coke.  My postal shorts were feeling a little snug, another victim of my wife’s launder-and-shrink technique.  Or was it?  I looked at the junk food and then back at my gut.  Perhaps she had been right all along; there are some fabrics that really don’t shrink regardless of how much you wash them.  There are, however, some things that definitely expand if you don’t maintain them well.  My waistline was one of those items.

I was tipping the scale right around 235, and decided to try and eat right, eat less, and avoid sugar and salt unless it was a natural part of the food I was eating.  Add to that an increased effort to get out and ride the tandem after work and on days off, and results became evident.  By the time fall rolled around, I was flirting with 185 on the scale, and are you ready for the best news of all?  My blue-and-orange BSU Bronco jersey fit NICELY!

The only downside to all this is that most of my other jerseys are now way too loose, and all of the jerseys that would now fit nicely were long gone.  My cycling shorts are pretty baggy as well.  I’m finding that I can now wear XL shorts instead of XXL, and the next time I go shopping for jerseys should be an adventure as well. 

So for the time being, all I can say is “Fat Lad at the Back – you look like a great company, and I’m glad you’re there.  I just don’t need you anymore!”