My Never-Ending Bitching about Drivers, Part 3

Let’s face it; some days words come to those who write, and then there are days when the well runs dry.  I was out of ideas up until yesterday afternoon – absolutely nothing on tap in the grey matter.  And then inspiration passed my way.

I was sitting in an intersection waiting to make a left turn.  It was that “special” time of day when people are leaving their jobs and trying to get home, and there wasn’t a break in the traffic driving by me so I could make my turn.  The only option was to sit there… and sit there… and sit some more… until the light started to cycle.

You know the drill.  The light turns to yellow, people stop and then the car that’s hanging out in the intersection makes the turn just as the light turns to red.  It would be nice to have a dedicated left-turn signal at this intersection, but in all reality it probably isn’t necessary except for the small window of time in the afternoon when the home-bound traffic is exiting a nearby government building and medical center.

So there I was waiting for a break in traffic (that, of course, never came) and the light finally started to change.  Oh, goody!  My chance at last!  A truck drove through the light on the yellow, which I expected.  After he cleared me, my chance would come.  I was ready to crank the steering wheel and hit the gas just as the light turned red.

It was time to get my butt out of the intersection pronto!  But much to my chagrin, another car drove straight through the red light as if it were still green.  Allow me to make some instant enemies as I profile and stereotype; the driver was female.  Ah, yes… the proverbial “woman driver”.  Females were made fun of in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s as being sub-par motor vehicle operators.  And friends, I’m here to affirm that the stereotype is back with a vengeance today.  The only reason this still holds true is because of the cell phone.

The woman drove through the intersection with her left hand holding a phone up against her left ear.  My wife and I both watched as she drove through the intersection, neither looking for opposing traffic or even looking up at the light.  She stared only at the bumper up ahead of her as she chattered away on the phone.  She might as well have been wearing a pair of blinders, as her phone-induced tunnel vision had taken total control of her faculties.

As she rolled by I leaned on the horn and shook my fist (in a feeble attempt to convey the thought “wake the hell up”), but she never so much as looked up or turned her head. Most likely she never knew that she had just blown through a red light.  Was the information on that phone call so important that she should be oblivious to her own safety, or that of others?  Was the gossip that salacious that she should be blind to her own potential peril?

So why am I picking on women when everyone uses cell phones these days?  Well… it seems that whenever we’re driving home after work and are approaching another car that is behaving erratically, it’s almost always being driven by a woman on a cell phone.  As we pass the car, the phrase “it’s a #$%&*@$% woman on a #$% - #@%&%$ cell phone” fills the air.  And guess what, all you would-be defenders against misogyny?  I’m NOT the one making that statement.  It’s the other person in the car with me:  a woman! 

Yes, even she is getting annoyed with the growing trend of inattentive driving due to people being so engrossed with chattering with their friends that they can’t pay attention to the business at hand:  driving safely.

So what can be done to turn this trend around?  Keep bitching about it!  Shame your friends when they do it!  (Shame on YOU if you do it – change should begin with you!)  Just because we’ve mostly seen women driving with cell phones doesn’t mean that the men don’t do it too – and you guys need to knock it off as well. 

It would be a shame to insist on government intervention to solve this problem, yet that might be the end game.  If people can’t police themselves to drive responsibly, it might require legislation to babysit everybody.  I’m envisioning a chip in every cell phone that can detect a running engine within a few feet of the phone, or an accelerated rate of motion faster than walking (or a combination of both) that will block the phone from ANY function other than dialing out to 911.  This would kill ALL devices within a car, not just the driver’s.  Is that what we really need? 

In conclusion, if you haveto make a call… make it and end it before you start the car.  Driving isn’t the time to “catch up” on anything.  There are many of us out there that are sick and tired of having to be over-vigilant on the road watching out for cell phone toting morons who aren’t paying any attention to what’s going on past the conversation they’re having.

So, are you now asking, “Isn’t this mainly a bike and humor blog?  This isn’t very funny!”  You’re right; it isn’t.  Let’s talk about bicycling for a brief moment.  Cyclists are sometimes hard enough to see when you have to share a road.  When your attention is wrapped up in a phone call, that “thump” you just heard was the cyclist you just clipped when you drifted just a little too far to the right. 

And what about the people that can be seen riding their bike along with one hand on the handlebars and the other holding a cell phone against their ear?  That form of stupidity deserves its own special topic – and this post has rambled on too long already!

My Lucky Cycling Jersey (and Other Lies)

Successfully wearing the
object of my affection.

It was, in my mind, a beautiful and distinctive jersey.  Blue and Orange, the colors of Boise State University’s athletic teams – most notably the football team, made famous by their “Smurf-turf” as some TV sportscasters would call it.  Yes, the football field’s turf is BLUE, as was the jersey I was trying on, with orange highlights accenting things perfectly.  Or so I thought.  My wife, stoker, Rear Admiral… call her what you will… one thing you can NOT call her is a fan of the color orange.  Not even when it’s used in conjunction with the color blue.  Or maybe that’s especially when used in the blue/orange combination.

She fought me when I was at the local Performance Cycles store and tried on the jersey.  It fit me with little room to spare, but it didfit.  And it would work perfectly with our trip that October to ride in the Florida Tandem Rally.  After all, they have a team in Gainesville that also uses the colors blue and orange (the Florida Gators), and from a distance people would at first think I was one of them.  Of course when I got close enough they’d realize that I was sporting a different, or in my mind, a superior version of the color combo.  But she wouldn’t let me buy the jersey, and there would be no battle of the blue and orange in Florida that year.

But I persisted over the months about wanting that jersey, and finally she gave in and said, “fine… get the damned thing.”  But the store was out of my size, and it was the end of the season, which meant they wouldn’t be getting anything in until the following year. 

Ah, but I knew how to search for buried treasure on the Internet and after a few clicks I found the very same jersey (in the elusive XXL size) and made the plunge.  In just a few days sheer cycle-fashion happiness would be mine!  All those months of whining and waiting were about to come to a victorious (and, oh… so glorious) end.

The parcel arrived and I excitedly opened it and lovingly slid the jersey out of its plastic wrap and unfolded it reverently.  It was the moment of truth, and I was about to put on that for which I had lobbied so fervently.  I slipped one arm through, and then the other, and finally my head.  Then I pulled the jersey down over my torso… ahem!  I said… I pulled the jersey DOWN over my torso…  damn it.  I was having some technical difficulties when it came to pulling the jersey down over my torso.  As a matter of fact, it fit like a friggin’ sausage casing and I looked utterly ridiculous!

I pulled it back off and was dismayed when I looked at the sizing information and it confirmed that this jersey was indeed a double XL.  How could this be?  The one I had tried on maybe 8 months to a year before was a good fit.  How could there be such a discrepancy between one jersey and another?  I was crestfallen.

The jersey was lovingly (albeit, sadly) folded back up and put back into its plastic wrap.  I couldn’t send it back, but I couldn’t wear it either.  Over the next couple of years I would try on these same jerseys at different stores to see if I could find one that was a better fit, but I never found one.  Obviously the jersey I had tried on that one time was THE fluke – the one that slipped by quality control – the one that I should have bought when I tried it. 

For the next two years I would occasionally get the jersey out of the bag and try it on, hoping against all odds that it might suddenly be the right size and fit like the one that I had tried on did.  No such luck.  It still fit like a sausage casing… and wasn’t wearable unless I really wanted people to point and laugh (yes, it was that bad).

At least I had my XXL Pearl Izumi jerseys that were a relaxed fit.  They were comfy and reliable, but over time even they were starting to wear and shrink a little bit from all the washings.  My wife argued that the fabrics they were made from don’t shrink.   But it was obvious that something was going on, because they didn’t have the loose comfy drape they once had.  Fortunately we would be heading to San Diego that summer to stay with a friend, and that meant a trip to the Pearl Izumi outlet store to pick up a few new jerseys.

The pickings were scarce, and the few XXL relaxed cut jerseys that the store had didn’t fit like they used to.  Seriously?  I know that things change, and sometimes companies sizing standards get tweaked, but you’d think that one of the premiere brands would try to stay a little more consistent.  At least we found a couple of jerseys that were so similar in color and design that you’d think we had a matching set.  Just a sidebar here:  why is it nearly impossible to find matching jerseys these days in both a man’s and woman’s cut?  Tandem riders love to “match” their gear, and unless you’re ordering custom jerseys through an event or buying a store’s (or team’s) kit… you’re usually out of luck.

Anyway… we returned home and I weeded out my jersey collection, getting rid of all the older jerseys I had that had been affected by age and laundering.  There were plenty of them that just didn’t fit right anymore.  I tried on my BSU jersey again; it was still a sausage casing.  I couldn’t return it, and couldn’t wear it.  Maybe I’d eventually gift it to a local fan of the university.  Or maybe I could find someone who could alter it along the side panels just enough to make it wearable!

I started surfing websites that specialized in “Clydesdale” sizing, looking for jerseys in 3X (or larger) sizes.  I didn’t need to order anything yet… but I might as well figure out what was available before I was truly in need.  One such company that I thought might hold promise was “Fat Lad at theBack”.    If you can laugh about it… you can wear it!  But then, I never had to order from them.

I was delivering mail one day, eating my usual afternoon “snack”, which included a large bag of Peanut M&M’s, a medium sized bag of Fritos and a 32 ounce cup of Coke.  My postal shorts were feeling a little snug, another victim of my wife’s launder-and-shrink technique.  Or was it?  I looked at the junk food and then back at my gut.  Perhaps she had been right all along; there are some fabrics that really don’t shrink regardless of how much you wash them.  There are, however, some things that definitely expand if you don’t maintain them well.  My waistline was one of those items.

I was tipping the scale right around 235, and decided to try and eat right, eat less, and avoid sugar and salt unless it was a natural part of the food I was eating.  Add to that an increased effort to get out and ride the tandem after work and on days off, and results became evident.  By the time fall rolled around, I was flirting with 185 on the scale, and are you ready for the best news of all?  My blue-and-orange BSU Bronco jersey fit NICELY!

The only downside to all this is that most of my other jerseys are now way too loose, and all of the jerseys that would now fit nicely were long gone.  My cycling shorts are pretty baggy as well.  I’m finding that I can now wear XL shorts instead of XXL, and the next time I go shopping for jerseys should be an adventure as well. 

So for the time being, all I can say is “Fat Lad at the Back – you look like a great company, and I’m glad you’re there.  I just don’t need you anymore!”

This One’s For The Birds

I’ve always been fascinated by birds that can mimic human speech.  I’ve never studied the phenomenon, or know the science behind why some birds choose to imitate sounds – I just find it amusing!  I reallyfind it humorous when a bird learns how to mimic an appliance tone (like a microwave’s timer, for instance) and then starts making that sound when someone is cooking, causing them to keep checking to see if the meal is done.

But this short article is about parakeets that talk.  I had parakeets for a brief period in my early 20’s.  They never said anything other than “tweet”, or whatever noise it is that parakeets make.  I suppose I didn’t have the patience to actually work with them either, which could be a major part of the equation.  Apparently my mother did have that gift of patience, as I remembered a couple of stories that she told me about a parakeet she and my father had.

I hadn’t been born yet, so she had a little more free time to spend on “projects”.  One of these was trying to teach the parakeet to speak.  My mother had been told that some sounds were more challenging than others for those little birds to master; the letter “Z” was perhaps the hardest to mimic.  So you can forget about Mom trying to teach the bird something simple – she set out to do the impossible!

I suppose I should mention that parakeets don’t always speak on command or cue.  Sometimes they’ll repeat parts of what you say, while other times they’ll just sit there making you feel like a fool.  Sometime they’ll chatter and spit out other words or phrases instead of the one you’re trying to teach them.  But it also seems that the smart ones absorb everything you’re willing to offer them, even if they don’t spit it right back at you.

So began the training to teach her little bird the phrase “Have you seen the zebras in the zoo?” 

She worked on that phrase for months with no results.  Occasionally one of the words might be spoken at some random moment, but the phrase was never connected, let alone uttered in its entirety.  She kept trying, and the bird never gave her the satisfaction of even trying to repeat the phrase.

This was in the 1950’s, and of course the Beat Movement was in full swing.  One day, pretty much after my mother had finally thrown in the towel, the little bird was sitting on its perch and started bobbing its head up and down, and moving a little bit from side-to-side.  Then with perfect timing and rhythm like one of the Beat Poets of that era, it said:

“Have you seen the zebras, zebras, zebras

In the zoo, zoo, zoo?

Have you seen the zebras, zebras

In the zoo?  Have you?”

My mother was dumbfounded by this display of meter and rhyme, although I’m sure her pride of accomplishment was short-lived, as the bird never said the phrase again.  Ever. 

Be assured that everything you say around a parakeet is being recorded in its little bird-brain, even if you never hear it speak those words.  There may come a day when you suddenly learn that they know more words than you realized, and sometimes they can even match the phrase to fit the moment.

Yes, timing is everything.  My father was sitting in his chair reading the newspaper one evening when the parakeet was out of its cage.  It suddenly took flight and landed on my father’s head, and then worked its way down to his reading glasses.  The parakeet perched on the glasses’ frame and then bent over to look my father directly in the eye through one of the lenses and then said, “That son-of-a-bitch has four eyes!”

They NEVER heard THAT one before… and never again, either!

Most people’s first impression of hearing a story like this would be, “Yeah, right.”  But I really don’t doubt that my mother’s stories about the bird are true, if only because of something I witnessed when I was eight years old.  Again the operative phrase is “timing is everything”.

We were in Sausalito, a small waterfront town on the northern peninsula of the San Francisco bay, having dinner in my uncle’s apartment.  They owned the building and had the largest apartment in the building, but it was still small by today’s standards.  They had a table in the kitchen where most of the meals were eaten.  It was one of those tables from the mid 1900’s that had chrome legs and sides; the table’s surface was made from something similar to Formica, although my memory is a little fuzzy about those details.

What I do remember is that my aunt always had a parakeet, and the cage was over the sink in a bay window.  She would always try to teach the bird to speak, although it was usually very simple phrases like “pretty bird” or “hello”.  Dinner had commenced, and seated around the table were my uncle and aunt, mother and father and my grandmother, who lived in a house literally on the other side of the garden fence.

People were talking, and the conversation was relaxed and pleasant.  At one point though, everyone seemed to run out of things to say and a hush fell over the table.  At that moment, the bird flew from its cage and landed right in the middle of the dinner table.  Everyone’s focus was suddenly on the little feathered intruder who promptly crapped on the table, said, “excuse me” and then quickly flew back to his cage!

Yes, timing IS everything!  The bird could have said nothing, and have just been shooed away from the table.  It could have pooped and said, “Polly want a cracker” and that wouldn’t have been amusing at all.  But to say, “excuse me” after committing that offense – this was, perhaps, the most magical, amazing and hilarious thing an eight-year-old boy had ever witnessed!  I laughed myself silly until my dad had to tell me to get a grip on myself.

Apparently this little parakeet had never uttered that phrase before, or after, his little foray to the dinner table.  But because I witnessed this “event” with my own eyes and ears, I am not quick to discount other people’s tales of animal oddities.  And isn’t it amazing how sometimes the silliest of moments are some of the most profound memories we carry with us the rest of our lives?  I remember that family dinner all because of a little bird… a “polite” little bird at that!

The Tour de Tahoe

Shortly after this picture was taken, "Fat-boy" had to get
ff of the tandem and catch his breath!  This was one of
the steepest climbs on the ride, complete with switchbacks.

There is an event that I feel compelled to share with anyone who enjoys the great outdoors while riding a bike.  Its name is The Tour de Tahoe, and as you might guess it’s a one-day ride that circumnavigates Lake Tahoe. 

Lake Tahoe has a reported surface elevation of 6224 feet… but it ain’t a level ride!  You will gain – and lose – 4371 feet as you pedal around the lake, and a couple of the climbs aren’t very kind!  There’s a nasty little grunter somewhere between the 10 and 15 mile mark that forced us off of the bike to walk a short distance, due a combination of altitude, early morning chill and the incline of the road.  We got to the point where we could barely breathe.  Fortunately, we weren’t the only ones whipped by this particular grade!

But the weather will improve as the morning wears on, and soon you’ll be peeling off the layers you started out with and will either find a way to carry your cold weather gear with you, or hand it off at the first rest/snack stop to have it trucked backed to the event’s start and finish line.  (We got rid of some of the gear, but kept a jacket “just in case”.)

I believe there were slightly more than 1700 riders in 2014 when we did the ride.  I am proud to say that we were not the only tandem out there, but it sure would have been nice to see a lot more tandem teams than we did.  There were all sorts of riders and styles of bicycle out there, from the elite carbon road frames to commuter bikes, “go fast” riders to the recreational cyclist who would take all day but make it to the finish line with a smile on their face.  We were probably somewhere right in the middle of the parade.

So why am I sharing this particular ride with you?  Because, if you ever have the opportunity to do The Tour de Tahoe, you really should.  At least once.  The ride is nothing short of being nature’s eye-candy.  It’s gorgeous, something that really should be seen and experienced from the saddle of a bike at least once in your life.  Plus if you had any doubts about your abilities and whether you could actually complete the ride, you’ll feel a LOT better about yourself at the end of the day!

 Bike the West is the organizer of this ride, and a couple others as well.  In addition to the 72 mile ride, there is a 35 mile version that entails a cruise aboard the Tahoe Queen to the north shore of Lake Tahoe where the rides then return to the start/finish line.  For the uber-cyclists, there is a century ride available as well.  And have I mentioned that the support stations are well stocked with goodies to eat and drink?

I could go on and ramble about this ride.  Suffice it to say that I bought an event t-shirt and jersey, and I love wearing either because completing this ride really meant something to me!  (I was skeptical about my ability to make it; my stoker had more faith in the two of us!)  But whenever I put on this jersey and go out for a ride, I feel like I’m entitled to wear it.  I’ve never put that much meaning into, or felt that much pride from an event jersey!

Think about doing this ride sometime.  Put it on your “biking bucket list”.  You may cuss me as you climb up some of those hills, but you’ll thank me for this recommendation at the end of the day!

Follow these links to investigate further!

Bike the West

https://www.bikethewest.com