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| One of the many technological marvels that will confuse your child in the year 1960. |
Frankly, the punishment should come as close to the time of the crime as is possible. That’s when it will make the biggest impression, and the lesson will hopefully last a lifetime.
Case in point: I remember a well-placed head slap my mother gave me from when I was about 12 years old. She was in the kitchen, with one hand firmly inserted down the garbage disposal trying to clear out something that shouldn’t have been in there. I came by and reached for the disposal switch, pausing a couple of inches away from it and acted like I flipped it on. Within a second after I faked the flip and said, “click”, her hand was out of the disposal and up against the side of my head, with enough force and surprise that I was knocked off my feet.
In today’s world I would have been taught to pick up the phone and dial Health and Welfare and turn dear old mom in for child abuse. In the world that I lived in then, I’m lucky that I didn’t get a lot worse! That little episode taught me that while I came from a family that enjoyed humor and practical jokes, there are times when you don’t engage in either. And apparently when you’re engaged in something that can be hazardous or dangerous was one of those times!
So we can’t discipline our kids anymore without being locked up… or can we? I think I’ve come up with a way to give the little darlings something far worse than a “time out” or taking a seat in the “happy chair”, and the memory will stick with them forever. The technology isn’t available yet… but soon, I hope. The behavior modification tool? A time machine!
When you’ve finally had enough of your little monster riding roughshod over you threatening to turn you in to the modern day Gestapo if you so much as dare to raise your voice toward him (or her), simply pin a note to their chest, put them in the time machine and send them back to visit great-grandma and great-grandpa circa 1960.
The note would read: I am your great-grandkid from the year 2016. I live in an unruly age and I’ve been sent here for the next month to be taught a few manners. Please treat me no differently than you treated your own children when they were growing up! Signed, your future granddaughter. (Don’t tell them your name, as you won’t be born for a few more years!)
The next month will be difficult for great-grandma, but a living hell for junior! Not only will they get the back of a hand for mouthing off, or the threat of “wait until great-grandpa gets home”, but there’s a few other little items that will totally mess with their minds.
School. Oh, yes… school. Never use the time machine in the summer; wait until school is in session. In the year 1960 there was this strictly enforced item known as a “dress code”. Little boys wore trousers and buttoned shirts, while little girls wore dresses (knee length, preferably). There were no blue jeans worn at school, girls didn’t wear slacks.
Mouth off to your teacher and you might just get swatted with a ruler in front of the class. Be a real jackass and you might just get marched down to the principal’s office where, in a nice calm voice he’d try to reason with you… oh, no… wait. This is 1960! There’s a wooden paddle with many holes drilled into it hanging from the wall, with the sadistic phrase “Board of Correction” painted on its surface. You’d get a few smacks on the butt with this thing, and then returned to class.
Funny how you’d get home and the people there would know about your infraction at school and you’d catch hell once again!
School is only the beginning of your tortures! This is 1960. When you get back home, you’ll realize that there’s not a TV in every room. There is ONE TV for the whole house, located in the den or living room. There are three channels, maybe four if you’re living close to a big city with an independent station in operation. The dial (yes, a mechanicaltuner) is labeled from channels 2 to 13; there are no UHF stations. And unless great-grandpa is bringing in the big bucks, the TV is a black and white model. Color was a luxury, and most shows were not filmed in color anyway.
Usually there was just one telephone in the house, with a wire coming out of the wall (or else the phone was mounted ON the wall in the kitchen). There are NO cell phones in 1960, no video games, no iPods, iPads, or personal computers… in fact, there’s nothing electronic in 1960 to pass the time with except maybe a radio alarm clock that only has the AM band. While FM had been around in some form since the 1930’s, the first FM stereo broadcast won’t occur until June 1, 1961.
You might have your own little record player in your room (yes, kiddies – vinyl was the norm back then) and as long as you don’t try to play the music too loud you may be able to listen to some songs. But considering that you came from the year 2016, you’re going to find the music in 1960 very hard to get used to… or enthused about.
Remember that you can’t take your music with you; whatever you’d like to have in a playlist is moot. You might be able to go to a friend’s house and take some of your favorite records with you, but the number of records you can physically carry is finite. Compare that to the electronic media of today!
I’ve got about 6900 songs loaded into my iPhone. If that were averaged out to the old standard of 12 inch “long playing” records (LP’s), assuming there were 12 songs on each “album”, I’d have to be packing around 575 records. That stack would be just a little over seven feet tall and weigh around 316 pounds. Yet in 2016 I can carry all that (and so much more) around in my shirt pocket!
Consider my photo album, for example. I’ve probably got a thousand photos in my iPhone (not a huge amount by today’s standards) and a little over 7000 on my computer. In 1960 there’s no such thing as a digital camera. You have to buy film (black and white is cheaper to purchase and to have developed over color) and depending on the film type, you will be limited to a finite amount of shots per roll.
In this example you’ll be using a Kodak Duaflex IV box camera; it uses a film size known as 620, and gets 12 shots per roll of film. You need to be thoughtful about each shot, as you can’t just review the results and keep shooting until you get a picture you like. And kiddies, here’s another tip! You shouldn’t bother wasting film by taking selfies either; most of these cameras have a minimum focal length that is longer than your arm could reach, so you’ll always be an unfocused mess! (Kind of like you are now in 2016!)
But back to the music, where there is one exception to the “keep your music at home” rule: the transistor radio. Developed by Bell Laboratories in 1947, the transistor took the place of the old standard vacuum tube, and greatly reduced the size and weight of the unit they were integrated into. Enter onto the scene in the mid to late 1950’s the Japanese produced transistor radio… and as long as you had a station nearby that played a music format you liked, you (in theory) could take your music with you. But you’ll find out this isn’t such a blessing once you hear the audio quality (or actually, the lack of it)!
Yes, after about a month of living in this technologically barren wasteland known as 1960 your kids will promise you anything to not be banished there ever again. Imagine a place where if you’re not in school that day you might be told to “go outside and play” – and actually be expected to stay outside until it’s time to eat! Or a place where getting (and using) a library card was a liberating and maturing experience!
Yes, 1960 might just be what these little #@@%$&^* need. And yet the more I think about sending them back there for some much needed retraining, the more I’m starting to think, “the heck with them! Send ME back to 1960 instead!”
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